blackstarthinker

blkstrthoughts @ 2003-03-10T23:44:00

2003-03-11T08:33:28Z

i closed my eyes and pictured myself as a young child on the grass at school
and at my side was a small cute girl with brown eyes and brown hair
we are running hand in hand towards our favorite tree
running as fast as we could so that we could beat all the kids there
you could see something special in our eyes when they met
you could tell it was more then a kindergarden friend
i watched us as we sat under our tree and played
and i picked a purple flower and handed it to her
i knew it would make her happy and i loved to see her smile
she placed it in her hair behind her ear
i could tell that i thought she was beautiful
we saw two swings open next each other and raced each other to them
i let her win and she smiled and hugged me when i got there anyway

when i opened my eyes i wished i had grown up with her
i wished that i had a best friend growing up and most of all that it was her
i thought about us growing up and learning everything together
always being best friends and so close
knowing everything about each other and having that be ok
having no one else mean anywhere near as much to us
and having no one be able to pull us apart

it was a very beautiful daydream

blkstrthoughts @ 2003-02-19T12:43:00

2003-02-19T21:38:27Z

when leaving out of john wayne airport, the planes do not slowly build speed before they take off. like most turning points in my life; it slows to a stop, releases the brakes, and then burns out gaining incredible speed before taking off in a very short distance.
while leaving on a plan from john wayne the plane elevates fast you are pushed back into your seat. its not so much uncomfortable but something that you are not used to. right as you start to get comfortable again the plane loses its power, so not disturb the airports neighbors, there is a sudden drop in height, the lights go a little dim and the air thins a little bit out of the vent. you have been warned about it before the take off, but it’s just one more sudden thing that happens even if you did know it was coming.
while flying home from john wayne airport the hour and one minute gives you plenty of time to reflect. plenty of time to remember every word that has ever been said. plenty of time to remember the feelings that were behind them. plenty of time to remember how you felt hearing all of them or saying them. there is plenty of time to look out the window and see all the lights from the many houses below. each house with its own story; probably very many just like my own. there is plenty of time to look at the indent of your finger from a slight pressure that lasted for over a year and how it is a slightly different shade then the rest of your hand because it has not seen light or dirt for so long. you star at that hand for a long time on the way home.
when you arrive home you receive a phone call from a very close friend, someone who worries about you more than anyone else. she calls to make sure that you are ok and that you got home safe. sometimes you need friends like this to make you feel important. outside the airport is a very close family member there to pick you up and bring you home.
the drive home from the airport is a very quite one. whether there is talking or not it feels like a silent one. it's at this time that you start to think about your life. you surprisingly do not think about what you could have done or should have done, but you think about what you will do. you are not sure if you feel better or worse; because you are still incredibly sad, but you do not allow yourself to cry anymore. it makes your emotions feel slightly hollow. it makes you feel slightly numb. to avoid even showing any pain you focus your eyes through the windshield of the car. you focus on brake lights until they make you sad. you focus on all the street signs until you have seen them all and they can no longer impress you. you focus on your finger until you realize that someone would notice that and that you probably already start to look weak from it. it's on this drive home that you really focus on your direction.
if you are left blindfolded in the middle of the woods; undoubtedly if you walk in any direction and you keep your head straight you will one day make it out. that one way might be incredibly long while if you had looked more clearly behind you; you would have seen lights from the building near by.
we have all heard the story of two roads to walk down, but only one road to choose. how do you handle the same question when you are left with a full 360 degrees of paths to walk down?? and will they all eventually lead to your own freedom or a happy ending??

this ruined room

2003-01-31T13:35:44Z

and the window breaks
brick falls to the floor
nothin is left in the room
but lost memories and broken glass
and i drop to knees
scream at the ceiling
as it falls down on me
i remember why i stayed out
of this room for so long
through tired lungs i cry out for help
new beams are needed to solidify
and a new foundation to keep steady
i hope it comes soon before its too late

not sure if i really like or not i wrote it awhile ago and wanted to rewrite and add more but never got around to it i only put it on this page cuz i already had it on the computer
maybe now ill redo it sometime